New blog is up!

Hey guys, I have my new blog up! I hope you all will follow it! It's great knowing that there are 4 people! lol. Here's the link :)

http://tkonandup.blogspot.com/

Enjoy!

Last post of this blog.

I'm back at Woo!! I want to make another blog, just because that's how I work, but I didn't feel like doing it right this minute.

I wanted to express my current state of loneliness. Don't get me wrong, it's great to see my friends, but I am experiencing quite a depressing level of loneliness. I'm with my friends all of the time, but who would have thought that being near them, would make me feel so lonely. Not being around Gordon all of the time is hard to get used to. He's hanging with other friends, talking to other girls, and this is where the loneliness jumps in. I'm not jealous, just lonely. I keep using that word, and I'm sick of it. I really just need to get over it, but it's going to take some time. I'm going dancing on Saturday, so hopefully that will help me get over it quicker.

We moved into the house on Saturday. Our neighbors are kind of trashy. Needless to say, I don't think our house will have an "always unlocked" door this year. There is still a lot of unpacking to do, but Katie and I are mostly settled in. On the first night, my townie friend Chris came by to visit. It was really nice to see him, he's really fun. Hopefully I'll see him a lot this year.

I'm tired, I don't feel like writing much right now. I'm going to make a new blog later, I'm just not sure what to name it. Off to band in 45.

It don't mean a thing....

Since my past few weekends have been full of dancing, I've pretty much decided that I want to hone in on my personal style and perspective of swing/dancing. Yesterday, I went blues dancing in Strongsville with Nick, and he told me that I need to "get the East Coast out of my blues", which I completely agree with. I need to separate the two, since they are both different forms of dance. I also need to let myself be more loosey goosey, and do a better job following. All of this can just come with dancing whenever I can or want to. That's a plus about having Gordon live in the same house as me. We can run into each other and be like "hey, let's go in the kitchen and lindy for a bit". That would actually be really, really fun. I think I might watch a bunch of dance videos to help me figure some things out, I've also been reading some swing blogs. I mean, those are really the only two ways you can improve, watching and experimenting. I also need to dance with more people, people whose styles I'm not used to. I need to get comfortable, and then add some flirt. I'm excited to work on all of this! I do need to start stretching before I dance. I've been waking up with aching calves and arms....lame!

Friday, Katie, Kyle, Nick and I went to the Lakewood Masonic Temple to dance. It was so hot in there, I almost died. I got all flushed, sweat more than ever, and I had tightness in my chest. It was probably not the smartest idea to keep on dancing. Over all though, it was entirely too fun :)

This guy, Tristan, was at the Strongsville dance. I initially met him at the Wooster dance and realized he was an awesome dancer and that I had to dance with him. Turns out I never had the chance to dance with him that night, but last night he asked me to dance! I told him I had seen him at Wooster and then he realized who I was and said that he had meant to dance with me but never got to it. I told him I really wanted to lindy with him, so he said we would next time we saw each other. We had a lot of fun dancing! I hope to see him more often at events, he's really nice, funny, cute, and tall :) He was encouraging me to go to some lindy exchanges, but I'd really have to work that out, since there aren't any that are going to be very close anytime soon.

For once, I'm in no mood to pack. Maybe it's because it's so hot out and I haven't been getting much sleep. There are six days until I go back to Woo! Packing is a must! I'm getting a lot of work hours in for this paycheck, so I'm excited. Tommy got some new sway links, so he no longer creaks! Now he just needs a good wash and vaccuum before I go back. I still haven't seen Inception. I'm kind of bummed. Looks like I'll need to start a new blog soon, for junior year!

If I think of more later, I will write it. Goodbye!

Esta noche, bailamos!

Last weekend, I had what I declared as the sweatiest weekend of my life. It started out on Thursday, I went to Youngstown with Nick P to go swing/blues dancing. It was one of the best nights out dancing that I've had. It was in a little bar on the nice side of town, and the people are so inviting. It was DJ'd, but nevertheless, it was fun. The blues dancing was very sensual, and as I told Nick, it's much more enjoyable when you're single. I felt so sexy and very confident with my dancing. Let's just say I became addicted to blues dancing. I came out of there feeling so refreshed and so liberated that the next morning I hit the "single" button on Facebook.

Friday night Kelley, Steve and I went to The Maine concert at Peabody's. It was SO HOT in there. There were so many 15 year old girls packed in there. I must say, I love The Maine, but I hate their fan base. We got so hot before the opening bands even came on, so we just went to the bar, bought some water and hydrated. The concert itself was awesome. Before the bands came on, Peabody's was playing The Black Keys, who I absolutely love. The very first opening act's name was Austin Gibbs and he was really cool. I downloaded one of his songs. The next band was pretty boring, but then The Maine came on and all was good. They played all of my favorite songs, John O was really funny and nice. He helped people get out of the room when they were fainting, haha. I mean it, like eight people had to exit by way of the stage because it was so hot. In the end, the concert was a success.

Saturday morning there was swing dancing at the zoo. Supposedly there were two waves of dancing, but we were misled. By the time Stephen and I got there at 10 am, the band had packed up. We danced to one song from a computer, then just walked around the zoo for a little while. That night was The Bohemian swing dance. I had a full car because Paul was in town, along with Katie's cousin Jill, and Kyle wanted to go. We got there around 9 and it was a lot of fun. I didn't dance as much as I thought I would, but it was enjoyable. Afterward was late night blues at Mineh's house in Cleveland Heights. This is where the trouble started. I had to drive back to Parma to take my carload home, then drive back to Cleveland Heights. It wasn't too troublesome, just a long car ride in Cleveland by myself. Late night blues was awesome. I will for sure be going back to that again.

After that weekend, I felt like I was in such good shape. I think I'm going to try to use dancing as my work out routine this school year.

This past week has been, odd. I've been feeling very lonely (relationship-wise), and kind of bored with my normal routine. I've had this urge to just hang out with Nick P, but it's not like I'm crushing on him (I think....I hope). I just want to hang out and be silly. I'm hoping we can find time to hang out before I go back to school, but whatever. I keep thinking about him, but I think it's just because I'm lonely....really, that's all it is. There's not much else to talk about. My emotional state has just been really up and down. I think I'm completely over Gordon and flowing very gracefully into friendship.

15 more days till Wooster! I'm so excited. I love Wooster so much. I love my major and my minor. I'm so enamored with my life.

I'm getting more hours at work this next couple of weeks than I have all summer. Bad thing is I have to go in at 6 am on Sunday to do floor sets. Eek!

That's about all for now. If I remember anything, I'll come back.

P.S. I'm reading Eat Pray Love, and it is really good for me. It's such an uplifting book. It makes me want to travel to Spain.

Happy Shark Week!

Chill and Flow, redefined

I got back from vacation at Maumee Bay this weekend. It was a very relaxing weekend, aside from the fact that I got sick one of the days :( I swam almost every day and got a nice tan. I am quite satisfied with the way it went. We didn't go many places, just the Henry Ford Museum and the Toledo Zoo, but that is okay with me.

(The Wiener Mobile! Built in Wooster!!)

The night before we left for vacation, I went swing dancing in Lakewood. It was a much smaller venue, but it was nice. I only went for about an hour, yet it was exactly what I needed. A good slow lindy and a crazy Nick Pancakes dance was so therapeutic to my aching heart. We're going to the Bohemian next weekend, Paul will be here, and I'm just really excited.

So, the past couple of days have really gotten me thinking. I realized that I had been dwelling on trying to find another guy, that I never really gave myself time to get over Gordon and just BE SINGLE! This revelation threw me into a completely different mindset, yet still "chill and flow" like I thought I already had been. Talking to some of my more religious friends, hearing them say "God has a plan" made me decide that I don't need to work as hard as I was to get what I want. If God has a plan, then that's that; yet I believe that if He has a plan, you need to set it in motion and get it going, but not search for it. Let it come to you, then go with it (chill and flow).

This mindset really set into me this morning after my bike ride. I just felt so rejuvenated and free. I think it also comes with maturity and self-confidence. I'm not sure why, but I feel so good right now. I also decided that I think I want to stay in Cleveland for the rest of my life. I've picked up the Cleveland pride that I've been reading about a lot lately, and I like it.

Gordon and I talk every now and then. It's usually about a 7 day span. I might try to stretch it out to go along with my own philosophy that I used to share with people about not talking to the ex for a while after you break up. Though I feel our situation is different since we're sliding so very well into the "just friends" category (or so I think). He called me today to thank me for setting him straight when he had done wrong, which was nice.

Work is going well. I only get about one or two days a week which isn't good for money matters, but I got a free bra the other day and tomorrow I'll get a free body spray! The perks of working retail.

I'm already antsy about getting back to school, but there's so much more money to be made, and fun things to be done before that. I want to start going through my stuff, but I'm going to try to hold off for another 2 or 3 weeks. I need to go to Cedar Point and a couple of Tribe games before the end of my summer. I think I shall plan some fun things for my friends :)

I feel like watching "Rebel Without a Cause" right now, so I think I'm going to go do that. More updates later!

I am blessed

Today, Gordon called and apologized to me.

He had gone to a seminar about forgiveness, and felt that it was a sign from God to call me to apologize and ask for my forgiveness (which he received).

That call was the most refreshing eleven minutes of my life. He apologized thoroughly for lying to me, never really filling me in, and basically playing with my emotions. I'm a very forgiving person, so I had basically already forgiven him, but this formal apology really showed me how sorry he truly was. Then we prayed together. Well, he prayed, and I was on the phone agreeing with every single thing he said. I cried, but they were tears of joy, happiness, relief. It also helped the idea grow in me that we'll be really good friends, kind of like the "Ryan and me" situation.

Who knows if we'll ever be together again. He's leaving it up to God, and I'll follow his lead. I guess we'll both try to move on, but apparently God doesn't want him in a relationship right now. As long as we're a big part of each other's lives, friendship-wise, I'm sure everything will flow out fine this year. I'm even feeling better about him finding someone else.

I told Shane about all of this, and he referred me to a song by Casting Crowns called "Who Am I". I listened to it, and it helped me figure out my rushing emotions. Shane said the emotions I was feeling, and still am, could probably be referred to as "blessed", and I've never actually felt this way. I hope to feel like this a lot more often in my life, and I'm pretty sure I will.

Here's the chorus from the song, I really liked it:

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Woo! And not Wooster.

I think I've decided what would help me get over my slump.

I want to be wooed! I want a good ol' fashion, classic wooing. I want to dress up, go out to eat at a jazz cafe, receive flowers, dance a little bit. I know this is asking a lot, but that would probably be the best situation ever! I don't want to meet a guy and start making out (maybe on vacation), I want it to be a fun, flirty relationship. Whispering, flirting with the eyes, yeah. I can't even write any more of what I want because I feel like I'll be asking way too much.

I can't wait to go out swing dancing....but it's almost a month away! Grrr I want to go now!

Woo me!

Someone, wake me up please.

Much has gone on since the last posting. The Kelley's Island trip was a success. It ended up being me, Katie, Kelley, and Ryan, but it was fun all the same. I also got buzzed for the first time. It was pretty funny. I sigh a lot when I'm in that condition I guess. Anyway, it was a fun time, and I hope to be able to do it again!

My job at Victoria's Secret has been going well. I got paid today (yay!). I need to go in and check the schedule to check my on call times for the week.

My dad and I started redoing my room today. It's going to be "spring azalea". I'm really excited. It's going to look so much more classy, ha ha.

So the biggest news of all is that Gordon and I are sort of on a break. He called me and told me that ever since he started dating me, God has been telling him to break up with me and that it's been eating at him this summer. Some people I know think he's just hiding behind that statement, but I know that Gordon has a very strong relationship with God and I understand why he feels the need to break up with me, but it's just really hard to take. After almost two years of building a great relationship, it's all over so quickly. I had these dreams of what next year in the house would be like, with my boyfriend, and some of my best friends. Celebrating our birthdays together, goodnight kisses, cooking in the kitchen together, that vision is now skewed. I kind of had a feeling this would happen, I just didn't want it to. He's going to a Christian leadership conference in Michigan, so I came up with the idea to break up for the month that he's there. This way, we can both pray about it, think about it, talk to other people about it, then when he gets back we can figure something out. It was really hard for me the first day. Yesterday I felt like I was over it, then nighttime came and memories started coming up and I felt horrible again. The past three days I've been feeling sick. This relationship was so perfect to me, and it's going to be so hard to get over. I'm going to try to get over it fast though, because I'll be single for a month, and then maybe "forever".

The only thing I'm super worried about is getting back into the flow when we get back to school. Basically everything we did was together. Band, swing, hanging out, eating dinner. Doing all of those things together, but not (you know?), is going to be extremely difficult, if not awkward. It will also be hard for me if he finds another local girl and has her over all of the time.....super hard, and super awkward. I just really hope we can work this out. I feel like we'll be really close friends if we don't end up back together. I also need to think about if he does decide that he wants to get back with me, do I want to go through this again. Religion was the one thing the was pulling us apart, even though I thought we were working through it pretty well. I mean, I had dreamed of spending my life with him. I feel like I would want to get back with him, but who knows how I'll feel after a month. Now I don't know what to do with all of the coupley pictures that I printed out of us at the beginning of the summer.

This all feels like a really bad dream, and I want to wake up from it, screaming, right now.

Money should grow on trees please.

I can't make up my mind about what I want to do tonight. I can either go to Strongsville for a swing dance (lindy hop!), or I can hang out with Andrew. The latter being free of cost, it is quite enticing. Or I could hang out with Katie, which I should do. I also need to go Father's Day shopping. I really want to get better at lindy, learn new moves and stuff. The dance costs $7, and currently I have $9 in my purse. I'm low on money this month, and I'm going to try to be as frugal as I can since I'm going to need money to fix my car, and spend on KI this week. Tommy's getting some new belts, his are busting so he's making a squealing sound and it's so annoying! Dude estimates it will be about $100. My parents said they'd pay half (thank God).

KI camping is this coming Friday! I'm excited. It's me, Katie, Ryan, Andrew, and Kelley. Andrew's coming on Saturday though since he has to work on Friday. I think we'll have fun. Katie's afraid that I'm going to leave her all alone, but I promise I won't. I feel bad that she feels neglected :( I thought I was getting better at the bff thing, but I guess I'm not. I'm just not good at managing my time fairly. We need to go food shopping and figure out how much everyone needs to pay me/for the trip. I think it will all work out grand :)

I went to see Toy Story 3 last night. I cried! It was so sad at the end, but it was such a good movie. I completely loved it. Toy Story rules!

So, before I said that Gordon was calling me more than last summer. Yeah, not so much anymore. Apparently the more he talks to me, the more he misses me. Well it just so happens that the less he talks to me, the more I miss him. Lose-lose situation. Not happy. There's like 63 days or something till we get to Woo. I'm just so excited about the house, and everything. When I get there, I'm just going to frolic around the quad because I love it so much.

My job at Victoria's Secret is going well. I hope I get more hours though. My last paycheck was $46 or something. Not good for living on, but it was just from training. I had about 5 and a half hours yesterday, so that's good. I only work Wednesday next week, but I'm also on call. Hopefully I'll get called in. I applied at the Tradesman Tavern on State Rd. for a serving position. I figure if I get hired, two jobs won't be so bad.

Not much else to say. I'm going to try to get some summer ambitions accomplished. Maybe pick up the guitar, be able to touch my toes, and do more athletic things. Yeah, let's do that. Also, lots of reading to do. I have some fiction, and then I'm going to try to figure out my JR IS topic.

Here's a picture from the Wooster Swing Ball. I loved that dance so much. I'm so proud of it.

It's not a jawbreaker.

I need to get over myself. I feel like a mother who can't let her child go away to college. Ryan is my child and new girls equal college. He tells me about new girls he's thinking of dating or whatever, but I just don't feel like they are good enough for him. I don't know why. Yeah, he's my ex, but he's also one of my best friends, and like a brother. I want to be happy for him, but I think there's something missing or unsaid that needs to be talked about first. I think I'm being selfish. I want to be happy for him, and I want to get over myself.

I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday. My left cheek is much more swollen than the right one, so I look a bit asymmetrical. I wasn't feeling the best yesterday and ended up throwing up. I was not happy about that part, but otherwise, I got over it pretty well. Hopefully the swelling goes down by tomorrow since I might have to work.

Speaking of work, I fainted on my last day of training. We're not sure why, so I had some blood drawn yesterday before I got my teeth out, so we'll find out tomorrow or Friday I guess. I'm on call tomorrow, I hope I work. I hope to pick up more hours!! I'm so jealous of Katie, she's making so much money this summer!

I'm thinking of going to the student ID night at the Indian's Game this Friday. It would be fun, but it would probably be only me and Nick, unless Kelley and Carrie came. I'm just afraid Nick would be hitting on either of them the whole time. Lame.

Gordon has started swing lessons, which go till midnight my time, I think. I keep wanting to call him, but he's at lessons. It makes me miss him a lot.

I want to make an "I hate..." video. They seem funny, and there are a few things that I hate. Maybe I'll do that next week when my mom isn't home.

My summer is basically planned out. Hopefully I get all of the days off that I requested....eek!

Not Plan B, or Planned Parenthood

It's FINALLY June. May felt like forever!

I'm really missing Gordon today, but maybe that's because my hormones are a-ragin' because it's boat week. Ow, my ovaries hurt! He's working on all kinds of stuff this summer, stressful stuff, and I wish I could just spend a summer with him. I also really want to help him figure out his future. I'm not sure if he wants to or not. I straight out told him that he needs to since he has no idea what grad school he wants to go to. I'm worried about our relationship after this year, not just worried, curious. So I told him he needs to figure everything out, and he said he appreciated/needed the nudge. He's not very future oriented, or planning oriented, and I am. That's where we differ, but complement each other. I pretty much have my life figured out through grad school, and I want to share that plan with him, maybe include him in it. But it ultimately depends on his decisions since he's graduating first. I'm not going to hugely alter mine to meet his though.

Anywho, I got hired at Victoria's Secret! I had my first day of three of orientation (or onboarding), and I have my second one tomorrow. I get to learn how to fit a bra, and then I get a free one! I actually felt sexier just getting ready for work, it was weird.

My mom's cousin David died this week. He was 22, and apparently he had a drug overdose. He has had a hard life, and it was really sad to visit him since he looked, and was, so young. It's an eye opener to the things that drugs can do to you, and I hope all of his friends can learn from it. He will be missed. The good thing that came out of it is that he was able to donate his organs, saving other people's lives. This was very important to his mom and sister. It's hard seeing a young person die. It scares you, and it just hits you hard.

This week I'm babysitting for my mom's friend from work. I'm making just about enough money to pay off my car insurance. Ugh.

Katie and I are planning a Kelley's Island camping trip. I'm really excited. It's been three years since I've been there and I really just want to go with all of my friends and have a good time. So sad that Gordon can't be there :( I just have to take off of work that weekend. The only problem is that it coincides with the house/dog sitting week, oh well!

I bought a lottery ticket today. I hope I win. I kinda really wish I had money, but who doesn't. I'd still live a cheapish life.

I've finally started looking up topics for my JR IS. Hooray for public library databases! I also have four books to read this summer. Better get going!!

This summer I have been slacking with the working out. I think it's because I'm either really lazy, or I'm just more confident in my body. Either way, I FEEL lazy.

Planning is great. All I want to do is plan. Plan KI, plan the house, plan my future, plan Gordon's future (he's not too happy about that lol).

Katie and I went swing dancing for the first time this summer. It was fun, we were cute. I wish I had an actual good lindy dance. I miss Gordon's dancing :(

I told my Papa that I want he and Nana's wedding picture. I just realized how much I like it and that I want a copy of it. I hope he doesn't forget to give it to me, or that he didn't lose it.

I kind of want to hang out with my townie friend, Chris. He's really funny. I'd have to drive out to Woo though, but whats so bad about Woo?!

The countdown is at about 80 days! Hooray?

P.S. I've added links on the side of all of my blogs that will take you to my other blogs. A way of connecting them, I really needed it. I want the flow of my followers? Or something.

Being juvenile is not attractive

I've decided that this summer is much more active for my blogging than last summer.

First off, let me say that I have a job interview at Victoria's Secret tomorrow! I am so excited! I'd be ecstatic to get a job at both AE and VS, but whatever! Hopefully I'll get hired. I'm pretty sure about what NOT to say....I think. Wish me luck, pray for me, whatever you do, do it!

This is Miranda, my favorite VS model. She's adorable.

Also, I've decided to try to do the dog-sitting job, and that I want to try to go to a Latin-American country next summer to volunteer.

So, the reason that I decided to write this entry, is my complete and utter annoyance. This annoyance is at my sister and her acquaintances. She has this boyfriend/boy toy (we'll call him, Abe). He says he loves her, yet he really likes to sleep with other girls. I don't really get why she puts up with it, or can even stand it, but she keeps going back to him. Now, Abe's ex-girlfriend (let's call her Eliza) hates my sister for dating Abe, or something. I'm not really sure where the hate comes from, and that's half of what annoys the crap out of me! These two girls are going at each others throats, going so low as to call each other dirty names or make fun of one another, over Abe. I'm not really sure why, since he is the one doing all of the cheating and sleeping around. It's a real-life version of "John Tucker Must Die", except in the end, the girls never realize that it's the boy who is at fault. This situation is really annoying me because my sister is doing badly in school, it's making people hate her, and it's making her unhappy. For me, by junior year, no one really hated anyone, there wasn't any drama, and high school was kind of a breeze. I'm annoyed that she is having such a rough time, and that she won't listen to any of us with clear minds, telling her this is not healthy. She was also not brought up like this. Our mom taught us to be strong, independent women, and to not depend on any guy. If Gordon cheated on me, chances are, he'd be out the door. All I'm hearing is blaming between the two girls, and they're not seeing any outcome. Hm, I wonder why! I'm also annoyed that Alyse lets Abe treat her like he does. I mean, he's nice, but he cheats on her, and he's not very practical (not the word I'm looking for, but I'm tired of thinking). She'll say that a guy on TV is hot, then he'll get mad and leave. There are other situations too, but I've forgotten. I'm completely and utterly tired of this situation. It has exhausted me, and if I hear about it one more time, I might snap. I really just want to get all three of them together and yell in their faces how I feel. This stupid triangle isn't going to enhance their lives. Once they graduate, they'll probably never see each other again, meet somebody much better in college, and move on. I can only hope for that for Alyse. She needs to get away from the boys, and move on to the men of college. I really just want to scream at them and let them know how stupid they look to everyone on the outside! This is pathetic, bullshit, and juvenile. I'm sick of it, I'm done with it, and I'm throwing in my towel.

"We'll call you..."

So, make that 8 jobs applied for. I went shopping with Katie at Southpark on Tuesday, and their American Eagle was hiring. Having prior AE experience, I figured "what the hell?". So I applied and the store manager that day told me right away that she wanted to interview me. The down side was that the interview was at 3:30 and this happened to be at 12:30. There was no way I was staying there an extra 3 hours, and she aknowledged that, so she said she would have them call me. No call yet, so in about 5 minutes, I'm going to call and see if I can set up an interview. I would really like to get hired there. The atmosphere is a lot better than Parmatown, but the downside is the store is huge (more cleaning), and it's also 20 minutes away, double the time it takes to get to Parmatown, but whatever.

I also just got an offer from a doctor my mom works with to dog-sit his dog for a week while he's on vacation. They live a little far away, so I'd be alone in his HUGE house for a week with the dog. Now, I'm not really a dog person, but apparently it's a puppy. It also wouldn't be much different from my normal days since all I do is sit around anyway. My mom says he's probably pay me $500, but who knows. I'd be alone, away from my friends, and I might have a job by then. It's definitely in the running though.

Right now, I have this urge to be creative. I think I may start another blog just for those creative days. I don't really know what I'd do with it though. I think I might do it. Speaking of creativity, I need to go buy a phonebook for Katie's personal dictionary, which I'm making for her. I figured a phonebook would be the easiest way since it has the letters and everything.

Dr. Furey reccommended a few books to me. I've got two of them from the library, and it's hard to read them. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to read. One is "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter" and the other is "The Help", which is apparently REALLY GOOD. I also need to finish my book that is in Spanish "Pasado Imperfecto."

I want to do something fun this summer, so I thought maybe some of my friends and I could go camping on KI for the weekend. Hopefully it will work out and not just be an idea.

I just can't decide if I want to dogsit. I guess we'll see how AE goes...

Bohemian next week. I can't wait for a much needed swing workout!

I need to buy my Maine ticket!

This summer is starting off well!

So, turns out, I probably don't have to worry this summer about the Gordon thing. I went to bed one night, had a horrible nightmare (my fault, I ate chocolate before bed, and had sad things on my mind anyway), so I woke up and called Gordon because I needed a bit of closure and calm. I told him about my nightmare, then I started crying a little because the whole breakup idea came back to my mind. He asked me what was wrong, I said I needed closure, and he seemed puzzled. I told him what my fears were for over the summer and he had the best answer possible for me. He told me that he and his mom had spoken earlier that morning about me. She said that over the past year and a half, she feels like she's gotten to know me, and that she loves me. She said that it seems like I "give Gordon peace". After him telling me that, I felt this huge weight lift off of my shoulders. It was the greatest feeling I've felt in a long time. I am just so thankful that it all worked out. I would have hated having those fears all summer!

The job hunt of the summer has started. As of today, I have applied for 7 jobs; 5 below, The Y, Victoria's Secret, a cashier at the UH cafeteria, and three different ballroom studios. I really hope I can pick up a job, or two! I really need the money, and would hate to have to sit around all summer. I mean, I could really get a lot of cleaning done, but who wants to do that?!

I've been hanging out with my friends for the past week, and it's been really great. I think this summer won't be boring whatsoever. Katie and I are going to have our bff shopping/lunch date this week. I'm excited. I really want to shop!

I've finished unpacking everything, but I need to go through all of my crap in my room. It's all piling up, and I have too many clothes. I don't have any closet or drawer space! Oh, and my new bandeau bathing suit top came in the mail the other day! Yay!

I hung out with Bethany yesterday, for the first time in forever! She's a little different, or doing things differently I guess, but she's still the same old Bethany. I really hope I can hang out with her this summer.

That's about all for now. I'm going to be reading this summer, looking for things to write junior IS on, cleaning through all of my stuff (when I'm in the mood), and hopefully get a job (and a tan)! I also need to retain my Spanish. Ugh, so much to do, but it's all creative and constructive.

Gordon's been calling me a lot more this summer than last, I really like it.

I'm going to make Katie a dictionary of words she constantly spells wrong, and I'm going to make photo albums of all my pictures that I don't use anymore! I'm going to need a huge book!

Goodnight to all!

Distance makes the heart grow....fearful.

This weekend has probably been one of the most depressing ones of my life. I packed up and left Wooster for the summer, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm missing Gordon more than ever, I cried in a restaurant, and I'm feeling quite insecure. I think it has to do with the difficulties that we were having with his parents not too long ago. It's making my stomach curl just thinking about it.

The first impression I made on Gordon's parents way back when, was not the greatest. I was still in my rebelling from my home life stage, and I was second guessing my belief in God. I expressed this to his Mom, and from there it just went on. They never seemed to have any problems with me until the last few months. Gordon showed me how important it is to him for his significant other to believe in God, and I understood that, and after some more talking, I agreed that it was important. I started to live the spiritual life that I did when I was a bit younger. I started praying again, I started going to large group meetings with Gordon, and we did a lot together. It was helpful, and it felt good.

All of the sudden, a few months ago, Gordon's parents started prompting him to break up with me, stating that I was hindering his religious life. Gordon stood up for me, and frankly, was irritated by their request. He ignored the request for quite a while, until one day he got a call from them at their normal Sunday calling time. We were supposed to go watch "The Princess and the Frog" with friends, he said he'd be late, so I went alone. After it had been a while, I texted him, asking if he was okay. He stated that he was not, but to not come over because he needed alone time. I waited out the rest of the movie and decided to go over to his house because I would have been restless all night. I showed up, Gordon was laying in the dark in his bed. I sat on the edge, and woke him up lightly. I told him why I couldn't stay away and he said it was okay because it was actually better if I did come. He informed that his parents told him that if he didn't break up with me, they would not let him come back to Wooster the following year.

I don't think I have ever cried so hard in front of that boy. I was heartbroken, and offended. We layed there for hours wondering what we would do. Jake reassured us that everything would turn out okay, and we picked up that mindset. I prayed every night and day for them to accept me into their lives. Gordon's sister wasn't so sure that their parents had made the right choice, so she took the liberty of calling me to figure out what I'm all about. I explained to her that when I had first met Gordon I was in the rebellious stage, but that he had shown me how important God really is. We talked for 15 minutes, and later that night, she texted Gordon that he owed her one. Their dad was reconsidering and their mom was still iffy, but they had pretty much backed off on the threat of removal from Wooster. I am so grateful to her, still.

Basically, that whole story was to back up my insecurities. I am extremely afraid that Gordon's parents will reinstate the idea of breaking up with me. I am afraid that him being at home will enable more of a hold on his actions, and less personal ideas and actions. I'm not blaming, or accusing them of anything, it's just a fear that is raking at my brain every waking hour of this summer. Another reason I'm afraid, is that Lauren (Gordon's sister) wrote a new song. She's an amazing singer/songwriter, and I really like her songs, but her newest one kind of reminds me of our situation. The lyrics state something along the lines of "All I ask is that you let her go, but let her down easy", along with some other lines about making your life gray or something like that, I can't quite remember. I'm very afraid that this song is written for Gordon about me.

Gordon told me that he's going to try to find out everyone's stand on the situation. I hope they all decide to give me a second chance and accept me as a Christian and Gordon's girlfriend. All I want is for them to love me and enjoy me. I was hoping that if everything turns out well that either of us would be able to visit the other for a week this summer. I can only dream. Gordon told me he would stand up for me, and I believe him. I feel alone, I feel helpless, I am just so fearful of the worst...

Countdown is at about 104 days.

A Friday for the books....

Last night was the "Wooster's Last Hoorah Swing Ball". It was AWESOME! I could not have asked for anything better (well, maybe I should have ordered more water). The band was Hepcat Revival, and they were phenomenal. We had so many people come. Our friends from Baldwin-Wallace, kids from Oberlin, Case, Dayton, and just Cleveland swingers in general. Our lindy hop teachers also came, which we were really excited about. The event was an all around win, and I'm just so proud of it. The only real problems were that we ran out of water, and they turned off the air conditioning (duh, we're having a dance people...). I don't really have any pictures yet, but once some get put up, I'll post one.

At the late night blues party afterwards, Gordon, Nick, and I were talking about how our groups need more opportunities to go dancing. Nick said he'd like it if colleges hosted a dance every month, which prompted me to think that maybe the hosting could rotate between colleges, like BW host, then Wooster, then Case, etc. I'm really excited about the idea and I hope to be able to pull it off next year.

Rita is leaving us after this year to go to Nursing school :( She's our event coordinator, and we need someone to take over. I told Gordon that I could possibly take over since I'm pretty much in contact with a lot of the people and I feel like I did pretty well planning this dance.

Bron might also be resigning as VP since she's always really busy and doesn't really have time for planning. She's still going to be very involved with the group, but it's understandable for her to step down. We're hoping Carrie could possibly pick up the job.

We made a lot of new contacts at the dance, many teachers giving us info/offering to teach us blues and stuff. We made a lot of new friends and overall the experience was great. I'm kind of hoping that we can take a huge trip to another state to go dancing or something. I'd be really excited. It probably would not be funded by Campus Council which gives us our allocated money for the year. But hey, if it's not too expensive, I think people would be willing to go.

Alright, finals are coming up, and I need to study. I've been sleeping all day because I went to bed at 3 and I'm so achy. But it was SO WORTH IT!!!

I love the Let's Dance! Society with all of my heart <3

TV trouble

It's almost the end of the semester....weird.

I'm getting all excited for the house next year. It's going to rock. I got my parking pass today, South Lot!!

So my dad has this idea that I NEED a new/bigger TV since I'm going to have a living room next year. That's all fine and dandy, and if it does happen, everyone in the house will be happy because all we have are little TV's. The only problem is that Katie and I want it on our floor, sans video games so that we can watch TV and movies. The boys want it upstairs with video games so they can, well, play video games. The minute I heard that they thought the nicer screen should be used for video games, my heart kind of exploded. I really want to share the TV with everyone, but if it's going to be taken over by video games and mess, then not so much. I don't want to be stingy, I don't want everyone who has lived in the house for two years to hate me, so I came up with my own answer to the problem. Since Katie and I are moving in first, minus Gordon, we will put the TV on our floor. When everyone else moves in, they can put their video game stuff there, but they can't leave messes. That would be the one thing that bugs me the most. I think it would work, and also maybe keep the boys from playing them all the time since they're living upstairs and won't be walking by them all of the time. My other problem with it being upstairs was that upstairs could potentially be the party floor. I don't really trust my new TV around a bunch of drunk people.

That's the second thing that's bugging me. It's a duplex, so I feel like we are segregated in a bad way. I keep saying "My floor, our floor" but it's not supposed to be like that. It's one house, and I really want it to feel that way. I really want this house to work, but if a TV is going to be that big of a problem, then ugh. I just want to have a huge house meeting to talk about stuff.

I don't really want to leave, but I kind of do. This semester just needs to end. I'm not really looking forward to 8 am classes, but whatever. Okay. Byee

Human rights....HUMAN!!!

I've been thinking about religion a lot lately.

I've been getting a bit more active with it, not just because it makes Gordon happy, but because it makes us stronger, and it makes me feel good. Yes, I believe in God.

I have also been thinking about what religion, or Christianity for that fact, really is and means; what I agree with, what I don't. For instance, I agree that everyone is loved by God and I disagree that this excludes homosexuals. Why are they not part of "everyone"? They're people, humans, living breathing beings. I just watched a movie on Youtube called "The Bible Told Me So". It's about people's concept of Homosexuality being a sin. I was already all for gay rights, but this cleared everything up about what the bible says, and the common misconceptions that conservative religious people have about it. Here's a link if anyone cares to watch it. It's got 9 parts and a finale:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04AVRslVRbY&playnext_from=TL&videos=H70ut4LUROU

That movie almost made me cry. Gay rights is something that I feel strongly about. I'm not an all out activist, but if I need to speak out, or do something, I will.



So, this is what I'm leading into. I always thought to be a Christian, you had to believe in God and Jesus, and just be a good, accepting, and loving person. That is my definition. I don't feel that as a Christian, you should take the bible literally for what it says. It needs to be interpreted and looked at for it's deeper meaning and taken into consideration the time period in which it was written. I mean, a couple stanzas away from the "no man shall lay with another" one, it states that every time a woman menstruates, she has to sacrifice two turtle doves. I mean, really? I'm sorry, but I just can't do that.

Another thing that bothers me is that many Christians believe that their beliefs are the only way. I went to a large group meeting a few weeks ago, and the speaker said that she prayed for her friend who was Muslim, that she would find Jesus. I shook my head when she said that. I don't think it is our right or responsibility to change someone's beliefs. If they are happy with where they are, leave them alone. No one really knows what is right. Missions are okay...if the people you are going to work with don't already have beliefs!

I really liked the pastor who came to my first large group meeting. He said he was leaving his church because the people there didn't really care about doing God's work and what not. They just went to church because it was the social norm. I agreed with everything he said. It's not about judging people, it's about being a good person and doing the right thing, while keeping God's work in mind.

I feel like I have more to say, but I think it's all written out for now. As I said before, I believe in God and in Jesus, and I consider myself a Christian. I just have my own definition and beliefs when it comes to "Christianity" as a whole. I'm going to keep exploring and working at this, and hopefully find exactly what I want to.

On a different note, Gordon is in a mini play. It's the Buffy musical, and he has to kiss another girl. That girl being Bron. I was initially not very excited since they almost had a thing way way back, but I've realized that Bron is one of my best friends and I'm dumb to even get uncomfortable about it. It's theater for God's sake. But it's normal to feel uncomfortable. I hope I get over it, I really want to go see it so I can support them.

I'm really excited for the house next year. It's going to be so cool.

I register next week for classes.

Gordon's sister Lauren got me a bracelet from Mexico. I feel loved :)

Spanish prueba to study for!

SPEEEEEED!!!

I'VE BEEN SO HYPER FOR THE PAST TWO DAAAAAAYS!!!!!!
I'VE BEEN SO HYPER FOR THE PAST TWO DAAAAAAYS!!!!!!
I'VE BEEN SO HYPER FOR THE PAST TWO DAAAAAAYS!!!!!!
I'VE BEEN SO HYPER FOR THE PAST TWO DAAAAAAYS!!!!!!
I'VE BEEN SO HYPER FOR THE PAST TWO DAAAAAAYS!!!!!!

*This is me the past two days*

...so I've been listening to N*Sync and other things that make me hyper and nostalgic. I've serenaded Gordon "This I promise you" and he just made faces and laughed....

I really need to work on re-writing my survey for Quant since it's not really good for getting information. I think these fonts keep changing sizes.....

I don't think I really have anything to talk about. Oh, we got the house! It's going to be Gordon, me, Katie, Joe, Mallory, Eowyn, Austin, and Jake. It's going to be completely awesome. I'm so excited. I can't wait till we find out which house we're living in.

I got an iHome alarm clock! I love it!!!

I like watching funny youtube videos about kitties!!!

I am just too hyper. I'll never get this survey done.

I think I'm going to see "Hot Tub Time Machine" (that's a mouth full) with John and Joe on Friday. Should be funny.

Bohemian on Saturday. Yay!

I might update later. Probably not.

Start spreadin' the news...

Wow, it's been almost a month since my last post! I need to update more often. I guess my life has just been hella boring.

This week, the Scot Symphonic Band traveled on band tour to New England, with a final stop in New York City! This was my first band tour, and it was actually pretty awesome. We stayed in home stays except for one night in a hotel, and we traveled to New York, Connecticut, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, and New Jersey with six concerts in all. Katie and I were roommates the entire time, added on to a few other people at some stays. All of my host families were great. I don't really feel like explaining them all since I'm exhausted from being in NYC, but they were all really great.

Riding the bus was pretty good. I slept a lot, pretty much everyone did. They were short trips. Gordon and I picked up some PDA reputations on our trips to the churches...oops. It was a really fun time :) I also learned about a spot in which I am ticklish...let me just say, it was interesting to discover...

New York City was great. The weather for during the week was beautiful, including 8-ish hours altogether in Boston (beautiful city!) Go figure that the minute we pull into NYC on Friday, it rains, and doesn't stop until Sunday. The rain was pretty horrible, and made NYC a bit harder to take, but overall it was an exciting and nice experience. Overwhelming...but nice.

I did all kinds of stereotypical New York things, like took the subway and a taxi. I also ate a hot dog from a street vendor, and bought a scarf for $5 in Chinatown. I went to the Natural History Museum, as well as the Metropolitan Art Museum. We went shopping, and I hit up the American Eagle in Times Square! Katie and I stayed with her cousin Jill in Brooklyn for the weekend. We went swing dancing and it was awesome. Gordon stayed with Jake on Roosevelt Island, which was a pretty cool place.

For the rest of this week we're staying with Bron in Connecticut. This should be a fun week.

I could probably write a whole bunch more, but I am way too tired. I'll try to again another day. Oh, and I bought a fiction book in Spanish! Hopefully I'll be able to get it read!

Let's Dance! triumphs over all!

I'm at work,and I don't feel like eating my greasy food right now, so I felt like writing.

Many things have been a'changin' these past couple of days. I've been up and down and up and down with my mood, and it's really quite annoying. Valentine's Day was this weekend. Gordon got me beautiful roses, and took me out to the Old Jaol because he's so sweet. It was really yummy, and he drove Tommy! Haha. We watched Toy Story on Sunday too, which was awesome. Mardi Gras is today, and there's a dinner/dance in Kitt, which should be pretty good. I really feel like dancing.

Speaking of dancing, the Showcase has now been turned into a swing ball with several performances in the middle of it. Aaron had dropped out of the showcase, he had taken on too much for him to handle, a lot of which being showcase pieces, and there just wasn't enough time to put it all together or work it out correctly. This will be much better, and much less stressful for everyone. I'm very optimistic about it. I did have a hit to my confidence a couple times in the past couple of weeks. I won't mention names, but we were talking about Gordon needing to dance with other people, which I completely agree with, and then I was told that they know that I "get insecure when he dances with someone better than me", which is no longer the case. But the fact that they said "someone better than you (me)" really got me. When you want to be good at something, you want to hear that you're improving, you want to hear that you're doing well. Right now, I really admire Carrie's dancing. I find myself saying sometimes "I want to be able to dance like Carrie". I kind of hope to one day be that person, "I want to be able to dance like Katie", even though it's not a competition and everyone dances their own way. I'm pretty secure with myself though.

The second thing was that someone was helping Katie and Rita choreograph their dance. This person wanted it to be a blues song, which Gordon and my song is blues, and they said "I want it to be better than Katie and Gordon's" which is the second thing that got me down. Why does it have to be a competition? Do you think we're that bad of choreographers, or dancers for that matter that we can't put together an awesome dance? It just made me really distraught, because someone who is supposed to be your friend and support you is saying this. I don't want to be bitching about it, but I just had to put it down in words.

All together, I'm going to work really hard, and start being more outgoing with my dancing and I'm going to kick ass. Nick came from BW and taught us the shim sham. I need to practice it so I don't forget it! We start Tango on Wednesday, I'll probably just do it since I need to collect the money anyway.

There's a swing dance at Southpark Mall this Sunday. I'm sooooooooo excited! I'm going to go shopping for a little bit too.

Katie is having problems with James again. She knows my opinion, and I don't know how to help her anymore. I just hope that it all turns out well for her. We're having BFF day soon, or need to at least.

I got an 80 on my Spanish test, which means I'm out of my streak of C's! Hooray! Maybe I'm finally getting it. IPA also came in handy when we were arguing about how to pronounce "Carnegie". Let's just say, everyone pronounces it differently, but I say it right ;) hehe.

Alyse, Kell, and Carrie are coming to visit this weekend. Yay!

I think that's all for now, I'm going to research swing alliances in Cleveland. I'm really psyched for Let's Dance! Like really psyched......bye!

The most hectic two weeks of my life!

These past two weeks have been so incredibly hectic...if you couldn't tell from the title of this post...Well, the showcase was a huge part of the stress. Planning it, casting it, scheduling it. I'm so glad that part is all over. Now all that we have are practices. I'm in 3 dances. Hopefully I'll be good at picking up choreography, and at balancing my time (I'm usually good with that second part). Gordon and I need to finish up our choreography. It's almost done. We're working on it tonight. We scheduled the tango lessons (finally), after waving money in the teachers face. I'm not too interested in tango, but I'm going to do it anyway. I also designed t-shirts for the Let's Dance Society. I'm excited for them!

So, we were planning on living in a house (Gordon's socialist house to be exact), next year, and it all seemed like it would work, in my mind at least, but then a few of the current residents seemed turned off to the idea. So, I talked to Katie and we decided that it would be best for everyone if we didn't live there. Then Jake talked me back into it. So hopefully, next year Katie, Joe, John, and I will be joining the socialist house :) It will be quite an adventure.

We went to the Bohemian last Saturday and it was AMAZING. I wore my new dance shoes and they couldn't have been better. I'm completely in love with them, and I only got one blister! Nick Pankuch was there which was awesome because we haven't seen him in forever. He's coming to Wooster supposedly next Friday to teach us the Shim Sham! Yay :)

Hm, what else. Gordon and I have been doing more couply things to get a stronger relationship methinks. I dont' remember if I talked about it, but a few weeks ago we hit a rough spot with his emotional openness. But we worked that out, we went on a dinner date Tuesday, and he finally learned some of the facts about my religion, Catholicism. We're going to have a Catholic party though, aka some of my friends who are Catholic, Gordon, and I will go to mass on Sunday, so he can see what we're all about. *sigh of relief*

There was a fierce creatures party at Aultz house last night. It was pretty cute lol. I was a kitty :) Bron and Paul came and we hung with them for a while. But yeah, nothing too exciting.

I've been doing okay in my classes. We'll see how my test turns out for Quant on Tuesday, as well as my Spanish prueba. I've also been looking into the deaths of young people around me that I kind of knew, like Dan Schnoor and Darren Perez. They were so young when they died, and I just became curious about them again. I don't know why. Reading all of the news things about them just makes me sad, it's the sadness I didn't really feel when they actually died...and I'm just feeling it now.

I can't really think of much more to write about. I keep thinking about shoes that I want to buy. It's just one pair of cowboy-ish boots. I'm really considering them.

Valentine's day is coming up! Hopefully it's awesome, but not over the top haha.

I got "House and Philosophy" from the library, I love House :)


We need to watch a movie this weekend, like actually, AND the Superbowl.

That's all for now, per usual, I'll update if needbe.

Back, and it feels so good

I'm back at Woo!!! I'm really happy to be back, but the first couple of days were kind of awkward with Gordon. I'm not sure why, but we just kind of fell out of the relationship loop. Needless to say, we got right back into the flow. We went shopping at Southpark and Gordon bought a nice jacket, and an awesome flannel :) Then we went and saw Sherlock Holmes (I love Jude Law!), and exchanged Christmas presents finally! He got me a jasmine candle, House season 4 (love!), a really pretty watch, and surprised me and himself with a dainty little mother of pearl ring. I was contento <3

Classes have been going pretty well. I learned that my Spanish class is a writing intensive class, so that's three of those under my belt, but whatever. I like taking Spanish classes. I just hate group work! I never used to mind it, but it's just awkward and not really fun. Quant started off pretty well, hopefully I'll do well in the class because apparently it's not very easy. Geology of Natural Hazards has been going kind of slowly, but it should pick up. I start clinic with a client next week! Yay! G.K. are the initials. I'm going to go read the file today and see what I'm in for! Band is going okay. Some of the songs are pretty difficult for me. Maybe I should start practicing...

Let's Dance has been going slowly. Aaron gave Gordon a metaphorical stern kick to the shin last night. It was a telling to that was building up and needed to come out eventually. I mean, other people had been noticing exactly what Aaron had said, so I guess everyone was seeing it but me. I'm going to try to help Gordon as much as possible, but not to the point where he's "not doing anything". I'm going to maybe add "Let's Dance Secretary" onto my resume haha. I just want everything to work out for everybody. It's hard to lead a group with busy schedules. Tango lessons are hopefully going to be starting soon. I also need to hang up our swing lessons sign and maybe look for some new moves.

I've come down with some sort of cold. It needs to go away now.

We're going to see Bron in "Songs for a New World" this weekend. Me thinks it will be good :)

I'll add more later if need be. Off to do actual work.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, F*%k you, whore.

I am VERY VERY distraught. So distraught that I am legit on the verge of tears, and this isn't even my problem. Katie and James are going through this shit hole of a battle with each other. I don't even know what else to call it because thats all that it really is. I'm not going to explain the whole thing because that would take hours. All I have to say is that I gave my advice, and my opinion, and I just want Katie to be happy.

I am against the whole getting back with James, because last time she was eventually miserable. I know that they have an undying affection for each other, but if you're going to be miserable, why do it? I don't think it would be much different this time either. They both have the exact same personalities as they did before, and as an outside viewer, I don't think they mesh well, at all. She's too independent, he's too clingy. He demands what she can't always provide.

Don't get me wrong, they were happy together, but I also heard a lot of complaining, from both sides mind you. I think it's hard for a couple that was together for that long, and with feelings like that, to completely see the bad side of what was going on. We just watched "500 Days of Summer" and the main characters sister even said that when he's looking back at the memories, all he's seeing is the good, and he should look again because there are bad ones being overshadowed by the good, which is bound to happen in the human mind.

My advice from the break up was to cut off connections and not talk to each other for a few months. I think it lasted a few weeks, but it was never quite completely detatched. I think this is what hurt them the most. James moved on to another girl, but he never actually moved on. Same with Katie, minus moving on to another girl.

Now, I've been blamed for the break up, I've been blamed for this shit hole, and I can say I understand why it seems that way. When I see my best friend going through a problem, I'm going to find the easiest way out. The easiest way, both times, was to cut off James, be it break up with him, or not get back with him. It seemed logical. It may seem like I'm being selfish and making this my fight because he called me a bitch, but I'm putting Katie first in this, completely. I don't really hold grudges very long, and I let shit blow over. It's how I deal. Confrontation is not big for me. Apparently I'm going to have to put up with confrontation tomorrow though, as it seems James wants to talk, or Katie wants us to anyway.

I just hope he listens because I have a lot to say.

I wish I was better at expressing everything that I feel, in a creative, English major sort of way. I could go on about this for a while, but I'm just tired. Mentally, emotionally, physically. I'll probably write more once it's over with. I won't have closure until there is an ending, no matter which it is. I'll be happy either way.

In the end, the friend consensus on Katie's side= No Go (or so I hear)