Chill and Flow, redefined

I got back from vacation at Maumee Bay this weekend. It was a very relaxing weekend, aside from the fact that I got sick one of the days :( I swam almost every day and got a nice tan. I am quite satisfied with the way it went. We didn't go many places, just the Henry Ford Museum and the Toledo Zoo, but that is okay with me.

(The Wiener Mobile! Built in Wooster!!)

The night before we left for vacation, I went swing dancing in Lakewood. It was a much smaller venue, but it was nice. I only went for about an hour, yet it was exactly what I needed. A good slow lindy and a crazy Nick Pancakes dance was so therapeutic to my aching heart. We're going to the Bohemian next weekend, Paul will be here, and I'm just really excited.

So, the past couple of days have really gotten me thinking. I realized that I had been dwelling on trying to find another guy, that I never really gave myself time to get over Gordon and just BE SINGLE! This revelation threw me into a completely different mindset, yet still "chill and flow" like I thought I already had been. Talking to some of my more religious friends, hearing them say "God has a plan" made me decide that I don't need to work as hard as I was to get what I want. If God has a plan, then that's that; yet I believe that if He has a plan, you need to set it in motion and get it going, but not search for it. Let it come to you, then go with it (chill and flow).

This mindset really set into me this morning after my bike ride. I just felt so rejuvenated and free. I think it also comes with maturity and self-confidence. I'm not sure why, but I feel so good right now. I also decided that I think I want to stay in Cleveland for the rest of my life. I've picked up the Cleveland pride that I've been reading about a lot lately, and I like it.

Gordon and I talk every now and then. It's usually about a 7 day span. I might try to stretch it out to go along with my own philosophy that I used to share with people about not talking to the ex for a while after you break up. Though I feel our situation is different since we're sliding so very well into the "just friends" category (or so I think). He called me today to thank me for setting him straight when he had done wrong, which was nice.

Work is going well. I only get about one or two days a week which isn't good for money matters, but I got a free bra the other day and tomorrow I'll get a free body spray! The perks of working retail.

I'm already antsy about getting back to school, but there's so much more money to be made, and fun things to be done before that. I want to start going through my stuff, but I'm going to try to hold off for another 2 or 3 weeks. I need to go to Cedar Point and a couple of Tribe games before the end of my summer. I think I shall plan some fun things for my friends :)

I feel like watching "Rebel Without a Cause" right now, so I think I'm going to go do that. More updates later!

I am blessed

Today, Gordon called and apologized to me.

He had gone to a seminar about forgiveness, and felt that it was a sign from God to call me to apologize and ask for my forgiveness (which he received).

That call was the most refreshing eleven minutes of my life. He apologized thoroughly for lying to me, never really filling me in, and basically playing with my emotions. I'm a very forgiving person, so I had basically already forgiven him, but this formal apology really showed me how sorry he truly was. Then we prayed together. Well, he prayed, and I was on the phone agreeing with every single thing he said. I cried, but they were tears of joy, happiness, relief. It also helped the idea grow in me that we'll be really good friends, kind of like the "Ryan and me" situation.

Who knows if we'll ever be together again. He's leaving it up to God, and I'll follow his lead. I guess we'll both try to move on, but apparently God doesn't want him in a relationship right now. As long as we're a big part of each other's lives, friendship-wise, I'm sure everything will flow out fine this year. I'm even feeling better about him finding someone else.

I told Shane about all of this, and he referred me to a song by Casting Crowns called "Who Am I". I listened to it, and it helped me figure out my rushing emotions. Shane said the emotions I was feeling, and still am, could probably be referred to as "blessed", and I've never actually felt this way. I hope to feel like this a lot more often in my life, and I'm pretty sure I will.

Here's the chorus from the song, I really liked it:

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Woo! And not Wooster.

I think I've decided what would help me get over my slump.

I want to be wooed! I want a good ol' fashion, classic wooing. I want to dress up, go out to eat at a jazz cafe, receive flowers, dance a little bit. I know this is asking a lot, but that would probably be the best situation ever! I don't want to meet a guy and start making out (maybe on vacation), I want it to be a fun, flirty relationship. Whispering, flirting with the eyes, yeah. I can't even write any more of what I want because I feel like I'll be asking way too much.

I can't wait to go out swing dancing....but it's almost a month away! Grrr I want to go now!

Woo me!

Someone, wake me up please.

Much has gone on since the last posting. The Kelley's Island trip was a success. It ended up being me, Katie, Kelley, and Ryan, but it was fun all the same. I also got buzzed for the first time. It was pretty funny. I sigh a lot when I'm in that condition I guess. Anyway, it was a fun time, and I hope to be able to do it again!

My job at Victoria's Secret has been going well. I got paid today (yay!). I need to go in and check the schedule to check my on call times for the week.

My dad and I started redoing my room today. It's going to be "spring azalea". I'm really excited. It's going to look so much more classy, ha ha.

So the biggest news of all is that Gordon and I are sort of on a break. He called me and told me that ever since he started dating me, God has been telling him to break up with me and that it's been eating at him this summer. Some people I know think he's just hiding behind that statement, but I know that Gordon has a very strong relationship with God and I understand why he feels the need to break up with me, but it's just really hard to take. After almost two years of building a great relationship, it's all over so quickly. I had these dreams of what next year in the house would be like, with my boyfriend, and some of my best friends. Celebrating our birthdays together, goodnight kisses, cooking in the kitchen together, that vision is now skewed. I kind of had a feeling this would happen, I just didn't want it to. He's going to a Christian leadership conference in Michigan, so I came up with the idea to break up for the month that he's there. This way, we can both pray about it, think about it, talk to other people about it, then when he gets back we can figure something out. It was really hard for me the first day. Yesterday I felt like I was over it, then nighttime came and memories started coming up and I felt horrible again. The past three days I've been feeling sick. This relationship was so perfect to me, and it's going to be so hard to get over. I'm going to try to get over it fast though, because I'll be single for a month, and then maybe "forever".

The only thing I'm super worried about is getting back into the flow when we get back to school. Basically everything we did was together. Band, swing, hanging out, eating dinner. Doing all of those things together, but not (you know?), is going to be extremely difficult, if not awkward. It will also be hard for me if he finds another local girl and has her over all of the time.....super hard, and super awkward. I just really hope we can work this out. I feel like we'll be really close friends if we don't end up back together. I also need to think about if he does decide that he wants to get back with me, do I want to go through this again. Religion was the one thing the was pulling us apart, even though I thought we were working through it pretty well. I mean, I had dreamed of spending my life with him. I feel like I would want to get back with him, but who knows how I'll feel after a month. Now I don't know what to do with all of the coupley pictures that I printed out of us at the beginning of the summer.

This all feels like a really bad dream, and I want to wake up from it, screaming, right now.