It's not a jawbreaker.

I need to get over myself. I feel like a mother who can't let her child go away to college. Ryan is my child and new girls equal college. He tells me about new girls he's thinking of dating or whatever, but I just don't feel like they are good enough for him. I don't know why. Yeah, he's my ex, but he's also one of my best friends, and like a brother. I want to be happy for him, but I think there's something missing or unsaid that needs to be talked about first. I think I'm being selfish. I want to be happy for him, and I want to get over myself.

I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday. My left cheek is much more swollen than the right one, so I look a bit asymmetrical. I wasn't feeling the best yesterday and ended up throwing up. I was not happy about that part, but otherwise, I got over it pretty well. Hopefully the swelling goes down by tomorrow since I might have to work.

Speaking of work, I fainted on my last day of training. We're not sure why, so I had some blood drawn yesterday before I got my teeth out, so we'll find out tomorrow or Friday I guess. I'm on call tomorrow, I hope I work. I hope to pick up more hours!! I'm so jealous of Katie, she's making so much money this summer!

I'm thinking of going to the student ID night at the Indian's Game this Friday. It would be fun, but it would probably be only me and Nick, unless Kelley and Carrie came. I'm just afraid Nick would be hitting on either of them the whole time. Lame.

Gordon has started swing lessons, which go till midnight my time, I think. I keep wanting to call him, but he's at lessons. It makes me miss him a lot.

I want to make an "I hate..." video. They seem funny, and there are a few things that I hate. Maybe I'll do that next week when my mom isn't home.

My summer is basically planned out. Hopefully I get all of the days off that I requested....eek!

Not Plan B, or Planned Parenthood

It's FINALLY June. May felt like forever!

I'm really missing Gordon today, but maybe that's because my hormones are a-ragin' because it's boat week. Ow, my ovaries hurt! He's working on all kinds of stuff this summer, stressful stuff, and I wish I could just spend a summer with him. I also really want to help him figure out his future. I'm not sure if he wants to or not. I straight out told him that he needs to since he has no idea what grad school he wants to go to. I'm worried about our relationship after this year, not just worried, curious. So I told him he needs to figure everything out, and he said he appreciated/needed the nudge. He's not very future oriented, or planning oriented, and I am. That's where we differ, but complement each other. I pretty much have my life figured out through grad school, and I want to share that plan with him, maybe include him in it. But it ultimately depends on his decisions since he's graduating first. I'm not going to hugely alter mine to meet his though.

Anywho, I got hired at Victoria's Secret! I had my first day of three of orientation (or onboarding), and I have my second one tomorrow. I get to learn how to fit a bra, and then I get a free one! I actually felt sexier just getting ready for work, it was weird.

My mom's cousin David died this week. He was 22, and apparently he had a drug overdose. He has had a hard life, and it was really sad to visit him since he looked, and was, so young. It's an eye opener to the things that drugs can do to you, and I hope all of his friends can learn from it. He will be missed. The good thing that came out of it is that he was able to donate his organs, saving other people's lives. This was very important to his mom and sister. It's hard seeing a young person die. It scares you, and it just hits you hard.

This week I'm babysitting for my mom's friend from work. I'm making just about enough money to pay off my car insurance. Ugh.

Katie and I are planning a Kelley's Island camping trip. I'm really excited. It's been three years since I've been there and I really just want to go with all of my friends and have a good time. So sad that Gordon can't be there :( I just have to take off of work that weekend. The only problem is that it coincides with the house/dog sitting week, oh well!

I bought a lottery ticket today. I hope I win. I kinda really wish I had money, but who doesn't. I'd still live a cheapish life.

I've finally started looking up topics for my JR IS. Hooray for public library databases! I also have four books to read this summer. Better get going!!

This summer I have been slacking with the working out. I think it's because I'm either really lazy, or I'm just more confident in my body. Either way, I FEEL lazy.

Planning is great. All I want to do is plan. Plan KI, plan the house, plan my future, plan Gordon's future (he's not too happy about that lol).

Katie and I went swing dancing for the first time this summer. It was fun, we were cute. I wish I had an actual good lindy dance. I miss Gordon's dancing :(

I told my Papa that I want he and Nana's wedding picture. I just realized how much I like it and that I want a copy of it. I hope he doesn't forget to give it to me, or that he didn't lose it.

I kind of want to hang out with my townie friend, Chris. He's really funny. I'd have to drive out to Woo though, but whats so bad about Woo?!

The countdown is at about 80 days! Hooray?

P.S. I've added links on the side of all of my blogs that will take you to my other blogs. A way of connecting them, I really needed it. I want the flow of my followers? Or something.

Being juvenile is not attractive

I've decided that this summer is much more active for my blogging than last summer.

First off, let me say that I have a job interview at Victoria's Secret tomorrow! I am so excited! I'd be ecstatic to get a job at both AE and VS, but whatever! Hopefully I'll get hired. I'm pretty sure about what NOT to say....I think. Wish me luck, pray for me, whatever you do, do it!

This is Miranda, my favorite VS model. She's adorable.

Also, I've decided to try to do the dog-sitting job, and that I want to try to go to a Latin-American country next summer to volunteer.

So, the reason that I decided to write this entry, is my complete and utter annoyance. This annoyance is at my sister and her acquaintances. She has this boyfriend/boy toy (we'll call him, Abe). He says he loves her, yet he really likes to sleep with other girls. I don't really get why she puts up with it, or can even stand it, but she keeps going back to him. Now, Abe's ex-girlfriend (let's call her Eliza) hates my sister for dating Abe, or something. I'm not really sure where the hate comes from, and that's half of what annoys the crap out of me! These two girls are going at each others throats, going so low as to call each other dirty names or make fun of one another, over Abe. I'm not really sure why, since he is the one doing all of the cheating and sleeping around. It's a real-life version of "John Tucker Must Die", except in the end, the girls never realize that it's the boy who is at fault. This situation is really annoying me because my sister is doing badly in school, it's making people hate her, and it's making her unhappy. For me, by junior year, no one really hated anyone, there wasn't any drama, and high school was kind of a breeze. I'm annoyed that she is having such a rough time, and that she won't listen to any of us with clear minds, telling her this is not healthy. She was also not brought up like this. Our mom taught us to be strong, independent women, and to not depend on any guy. If Gordon cheated on me, chances are, he'd be out the door. All I'm hearing is blaming between the two girls, and they're not seeing any outcome. Hm, I wonder why! I'm also annoyed that Alyse lets Abe treat her like he does. I mean, he's nice, but he cheats on her, and he's not very practical (not the word I'm looking for, but I'm tired of thinking). She'll say that a guy on TV is hot, then he'll get mad and leave. There are other situations too, but I've forgotten. I'm completely and utterly tired of this situation. It has exhausted me, and if I hear about it one more time, I might snap. I really just want to get all three of them together and yell in their faces how I feel. This stupid triangle isn't going to enhance their lives. Once they graduate, they'll probably never see each other again, meet somebody much better in college, and move on. I can only hope for that for Alyse. She needs to get away from the boys, and move on to the men of college. I really just want to scream at them and let them know how stupid they look to everyone on the outside! This is pathetic, bullshit, and juvenile. I'm sick of it, I'm done with it, and I'm throwing in my towel.

"We'll call you..."

So, make that 8 jobs applied for. I went shopping with Katie at Southpark on Tuesday, and their American Eagle was hiring. Having prior AE experience, I figured "what the hell?". So I applied and the store manager that day told me right away that she wanted to interview me. The down side was that the interview was at 3:30 and this happened to be at 12:30. There was no way I was staying there an extra 3 hours, and she aknowledged that, so she said she would have them call me. No call yet, so in about 5 minutes, I'm going to call and see if I can set up an interview. I would really like to get hired there. The atmosphere is a lot better than Parmatown, but the downside is the store is huge (more cleaning), and it's also 20 minutes away, double the time it takes to get to Parmatown, but whatever.

I also just got an offer from a doctor my mom works with to dog-sit his dog for a week while he's on vacation. They live a little far away, so I'd be alone in his HUGE house for a week with the dog. Now, I'm not really a dog person, but apparently it's a puppy. It also wouldn't be much different from my normal days since all I do is sit around anyway. My mom says he's probably pay me $500, but who knows. I'd be alone, away from my friends, and I might have a job by then. It's definitely in the running though.

Right now, I have this urge to be creative. I think I may start another blog just for those creative days. I don't really know what I'd do with it though. I think I might do it. Speaking of creativity, I need to go buy a phonebook for Katie's personal dictionary, which I'm making for her. I figured a phonebook would be the easiest way since it has the letters and everything.

Dr. Furey reccommended a few books to me. I've got two of them from the library, and it's hard to read them. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to read. One is "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter" and the other is "The Help", which is apparently REALLY GOOD. I also need to finish my book that is in Spanish "Pasado Imperfecto."

I want to do something fun this summer, so I thought maybe some of my friends and I could go camping on KI for the weekend. Hopefully it will work out and not just be an idea.

I just can't decide if I want to dogsit. I guess we'll see how AE goes...

Bohemian next week. I can't wait for a much needed swing workout!

I need to buy my Maine ticket!

This summer is starting off well!

So, turns out, I probably don't have to worry this summer about the Gordon thing. I went to bed one night, had a horrible nightmare (my fault, I ate chocolate before bed, and had sad things on my mind anyway), so I woke up and called Gordon because I needed a bit of closure and calm. I told him about my nightmare, then I started crying a little because the whole breakup idea came back to my mind. He asked me what was wrong, I said I needed closure, and he seemed puzzled. I told him what my fears were for over the summer and he had the best answer possible for me. He told me that he and his mom had spoken earlier that morning about me. She said that over the past year and a half, she feels like she's gotten to know me, and that she loves me. She said that it seems like I "give Gordon peace". After him telling me that, I felt this huge weight lift off of my shoulders. It was the greatest feeling I've felt in a long time. I am just so thankful that it all worked out. I would have hated having those fears all summer!

The job hunt of the summer has started. As of today, I have applied for 7 jobs; 5 below, The Y, Victoria's Secret, a cashier at the UH cafeteria, and three different ballroom studios. I really hope I can pick up a job, or two! I really need the money, and would hate to have to sit around all summer. I mean, I could really get a lot of cleaning done, but who wants to do that?!

I've been hanging out with my friends for the past week, and it's been really great. I think this summer won't be boring whatsoever. Katie and I are going to have our bff shopping/lunch date this week. I'm excited. I really want to shop!

I've finished unpacking everything, but I need to go through all of my crap in my room. It's all piling up, and I have too many clothes. I don't have any closet or drawer space! Oh, and my new bandeau bathing suit top came in the mail the other day! Yay!

I hung out with Bethany yesterday, for the first time in forever! She's a little different, or doing things differently I guess, but she's still the same old Bethany. I really hope I can hang out with her this summer.

That's about all for now. I'm going to be reading this summer, looking for things to write junior IS on, cleaning through all of my stuff (when I'm in the mood), and hopefully get a job (and a tan)! I also need to retain my Spanish. Ugh, so much to do, but it's all creative and constructive.

Gordon's been calling me a lot more this summer than last, I really like it.

I'm going to make Katie a dictionary of words she constantly spells wrong, and I'm going to make photo albums of all my pictures that I don't use anymore! I'm going to need a huge book!

Goodnight to all!

Distance makes the heart grow....fearful.

This weekend has probably been one of the most depressing ones of my life. I packed up and left Wooster for the summer, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm missing Gordon more than ever, I cried in a restaurant, and I'm feeling quite insecure. I think it has to do with the difficulties that we were having with his parents not too long ago. It's making my stomach curl just thinking about it.

The first impression I made on Gordon's parents way back when, was not the greatest. I was still in my rebelling from my home life stage, and I was second guessing my belief in God. I expressed this to his Mom, and from there it just went on. They never seemed to have any problems with me until the last few months. Gordon showed me how important it is to him for his significant other to believe in God, and I understood that, and after some more talking, I agreed that it was important. I started to live the spiritual life that I did when I was a bit younger. I started praying again, I started going to large group meetings with Gordon, and we did a lot together. It was helpful, and it felt good.

All of the sudden, a few months ago, Gordon's parents started prompting him to break up with me, stating that I was hindering his religious life. Gordon stood up for me, and frankly, was irritated by their request. He ignored the request for quite a while, until one day he got a call from them at their normal Sunday calling time. We were supposed to go watch "The Princess and the Frog" with friends, he said he'd be late, so I went alone. After it had been a while, I texted him, asking if he was okay. He stated that he was not, but to not come over because he needed alone time. I waited out the rest of the movie and decided to go over to his house because I would have been restless all night. I showed up, Gordon was laying in the dark in his bed. I sat on the edge, and woke him up lightly. I told him why I couldn't stay away and he said it was okay because it was actually better if I did come. He informed that his parents told him that if he didn't break up with me, they would not let him come back to Wooster the following year.

I don't think I have ever cried so hard in front of that boy. I was heartbroken, and offended. We layed there for hours wondering what we would do. Jake reassured us that everything would turn out okay, and we picked up that mindset. I prayed every night and day for them to accept me into their lives. Gordon's sister wasn't so sure that their parents had made the right choice, so she took the liberty of calling me to figure out what I'm all about. I explained to her that when I had first met Gordon I was in the rebellious stage, but that he had shown me how important God really is. We talked for 15 minutes, and later that night, she texted Gordon that he owed her one. Their dad was reconsidering and their mom was still iffy, but they had pretty much backed off on the threat of removal from Wooster. I am so grateful to her, still.

Basically, that whole story was to back up my insecurities. I am extremely afraid that Gordon's parents will reinstate the idea of breaking up with me. I am afraid that him being at home will enable more of a hold on his actions, and less personal ideas and actions. I'm not blaming, or accusing them of anything, it's just a fear that is raking at my brain every waking hour of this summer. Another reason I'm afraid, is that Lauren (Gordon's sister) wrote a new song. She's an amazing singer/songwriter, and I really like her songs, but her newest one kind of reminds me of our situation. The lyrics state something along the lines of "All I ask is that you let her go, but let her down easy", along with some other lines about making your life gray or something like that, I can't quite remember. I'm very afraid that this song is written for Gordon about me.

Gordon told me that he's going to try to find out everyone's stand on the situation. I hope they all decide to give me a second chance and accept me as a Christian and Gordon's girlfriend. All I want is for them to love me and enjoy me. I was hoping that if everything turns out well that either of us would be able to visit the other for a week this summer. I can only dream. Gordon told me he would stand up for me, and I believe him. I feel alone, I feel helpless, I am just so fearful of the worst...

Countdown is at about 104 days.

A Friday for the books....

Last night was the "Wooster's Last Hoorah Swing Ball". It was AWESOME! I could not have asked for anything better (well, maybe I should have ordered more water). The band was Hepcat Revival, and they were phenomenal. We had so many people come. Our friends from Baldwin-Wallace, kids from Oberlin, Case, Dayton, and just Cleveland swingers in general. Our lindy hop teachers also came, which we were really excited about. The event was an all around win, and I'm just so proud of it. The only real problems were that we ran out of water, and they turned off the air conditioning (duh, we're having a dance people...). I don't really have any pictures yet, but once some get put up, I'll post one.

At the late night blues party afterwards, Gordon, Nick, and I were talking about how our groups need more opportunities to go dancing. Nick said he'd like it if colleges hosted a dance every month, which prompted me to think that maybe the hosting could rotate between colleges, like BW host, then Wooster, then Case, etc. I'm really excited about the idea and I hope to be able to pull it off next year.

Rita is leaving us after this year to go to Nursing school :( She's our event coordinator, and we need someone to take over. I told Gordon that I could possibly take over since I'm pretty much in contact with a lot of the people and I feel like I did pretty well planning this dance.

Bron might also be resigning as VP since she's always really busy and doesn't really have time for planning. She's still going to be very involved with the group, but it's understandable for her to step down. We're hoping Carrie could possibly pick up the job.

We made a lot of new contacts at the dance, many teachers giving us info/offering to teach us blues and stuff. We made a lot of new friends and overall the experience was great. I'm kind of hoping that we can take a huge trip to another state to go dancing or something. I'd be really excited. It probably would not be funded by Campus Council which gives us our allocated money for the year. But hey, if it's not too expensive, I think people would be willing to go.

Alright, finals are coming up, and I need to study. I've been sleeping all day because I went to bed at 3 and I'm so achy. But it was SO WORTH IT!!!

I love the Let's Dance! Society with all of my heart <3