Chill and Flow, redefined

I got back from vacation at Maumee Bay this weekend. It was a very relaxing weekend, aside from the fact that I got sick one of the days :( I swam almost every day and got a nice tan. I am quite satisfied with the way it went. We didn't go many places, just the Henry Ford Museum and the Toledo Zoo, but that is okay with me.

(The Wiener Mobile! Built in Wooster!!)

The night before we left for vacation, I went swing dancing in Lakewood. It was a much smaller venue, but it was nice. I only went for about an hour, yet it was exactly what I needed. A good slow lindy and a crazy Nick Pancakes dance was so therapeutic to my aching heart. We're going to the Bohemian next weekend, Paul will be here, and I'm just really excited.

So, the past couple of days have really gotten me thinking. I realized that I had been dwelling on trying to find another guy, that I never really gave myself time to get over Gordon and just BE SINGLE! This revelation threw me into a completely different mindset, yet still "chill and flow" like I thought I already had been. Talking to some of my more religious friends, hearing them say "God has a plan" made me decide that I don't need to work as hard as I was to get what I want. If God has a plan, then that's that; yet I believe that if He has a plan, you need to set it in motion and get it going, but not search for it. Let it come to you, then go with it (chill and flow).

This mindset really set into me this morning after my bike ride. I just felt so rejuvenated and free. I think it also comes with maturity and self-confidence. I'm not sure why, but I feel so good right now. I also decided that I think I want to stay in Cleveland for the rest of my life. I've picked up the Cleveland pride that I've been reading about a lot lately, and I like it.

Gordon and I talk every now and then. It's usually about a 7 day span. I might try to stretch it out to go along with my own philosophy that I used to share with people about not talking to the ex for a while after you break up. Though I feel our situation is different since we're sliding so very well into the "just friends" category (or so I think). He called me today to thank me for setting him straight when he had done wrong, which was nice.

Work is going well. I only get about one or two days a week which isn't good for money matters, but I got a free bra the other day and tomorrow I'll get a free body spray! The perks of working retail.

I'm already antsy about getting back to school, but there's so much more money to be made, and fun things to be done before that. I want to start going through my stuff, but I'm going to try to hold off for another 2 or 3 weeks. I need to go to Cedar Point and a couple of Tribe games before the end of my summer. I think I shall plan some fun things for my friends :)

I feel like watching "Rebel Without a Cause" right now, so I think I'm going to go do that. More updates later!

I am blessed

Today, Gordon called and apologized to me.

He had gone to a seminar about forgiveness, and felt that it was a sign from God to call me to apologize and ask for my forgiveness (which he received).

That call was the most refreshing eleven minutes of my life. He apologized thoroughly for lying to me, never really filling me in, and basically playing with my emotions. I'm a very forgiving person, so I had basically already forgiven him, but this formal apology really showed me how sorry he truly was. Then we prayed together. Well, he prayed, and I was on the phone agreeing with every single thing he said. I cried, but they were tears of joy, happiness, relief. It also helped the idea grow in me that we'll be really good friends, kind of like the "Ryan and me" situation.

Who knows if we'll ever be together again. He's leaving it up to God, and I'll follow his lead. I guess we'll both try to move on, but apparently God doesn't want him in a relationship right now. As long as we're a big part of each other's lives, friendship-wise, I'm sure everything will flow out fine this year. I'm even feeling better about him finding someone else.

I told Shane about all of this, and he referred me to a song by Casting Crowns called "Who Am I". I listened to it, and it helped me figure out my rushing emotions. Shane said the emotions I was feeling, and still am, could probably be referred to as "blessed", and I've never actually felt this way. I hope to feel like this a lot more often in my life, and I'm pretty sure I will.

Here's the chorus from the song, I really liked it:

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Woo! And not Wooster.

I think I've decided what would help me get over my slump.

I want to be wooed! I want a good ol' fashion, classic wooing. I want to dress up, go out to eat at a jazz cafe, receive flowers, dance a little bit. I know this is asking a lot, but that would probably be the best situation ever! I don't want to meet a guy and start making out (maybe on vacation), I want it to be a fun, flirty relationship. Whispering, flirting with the eyes, yeah. I can't even write any more of what I want because I feel like I'll be asking way too much.

I can't wait to go out swing dancing....but it's almost a month away! Grrr I want to go now!

Woo me!

Someone, wake me up please.

Much has gone on since the last posting. The Kelley's Island trip was a success. It ended up being me, Katie, Kelley, and Ryan, but it was fun all the same. I also got buzzed for the first time. It was pretty funny. I sigh a lot when I'm in that condition I guess. Anyway, it was a fun time, and I hope to be able to do it again!

My job at Victoria's Secret has been going well. I got paid today (yay!). I need to go in and check the schedule to check my on call times for the week.

My dad and I started redoing my room today. It's going to be "spring azalea". I'm really excited. It's going to look so much more classy, ha ha.

So the biggest news of all is that Gordon and I are sort of on a break. He called me and told me that ever since he started dating me, God has been telling him to break up with me and that it's been eating at him this summer. Some people I know think he's just hiding behind that statement, but I know that Gordon has a very strong relationship with God and I understand why he feels the need to break up with me, but it's just really hard to take. After almost two years of building a great relationship, it's all over so quickly. I had these dreams of what next year in the house would be like, with my boyfriend, and some of my best friends. Celebrating our birthdays together, goodnight kisses, cooking in the kitchen together, that vision is now skewed. I kind of had a feeling this would happen, I just didn't want it to. He's going to a Christian leadership conference in Michigan, so I came up with the idea to break up for the month that he's there. This way, we can both pray about it, think about it, talk to other people about it, then when he gets back we can figure something out. It was really hard for me the first day. Yesterday I felt like I was over it, then nighttime came and memories started coming up and I felt horrible again. The past three days I've been feeling sick. This relationship was so perfect to me, and it's going to be so hard to get over. I'm going to try to get over it fast though, because I'll be single for a month, and then maybe "forever".

The only thing I'm super worried about is getting back into the flow when we get back to school. Basically everything we did was together. Band, swing, hanging out, eating dinner. Doing all of those things together, but not (you know?), is going to be extremely difficult, if not awkward. It will also be hard for me if he finds another local girl and has her over all of the time.....super hard, and super awkward. I just really hope we can work this out. I feel like we'll be really close friends if we don't end up back together. I also need to think about if he does decide that he wants to get back with me, do I want to go through this again. Religion was the one thing the was pulling us apart, even though I thought we were working through it pretty well. I mean, I had dreamed of spending my life with him. I feel like I would want to get back with him, but who knows how I'll feel after a month. Now I don't know what to do with all of the coupley pictures that I printed out of us at the beginning of the summer.

This all feels like a really bad dream, and I want to wake up from it, screaming, right now.

Money should grow on trees please.

I can't make up my mind about what I want to do tonight. I can either go to Strongsville for a swing dance (lindy hop!), or I can hang out with Andrew. The latter being free of cost, it is quite enticing. Or I could hang out with Katie, which I should do. I also need to go Father's Day shopping. I really want to get better at lindy, learn new moves and stuff. The dance costs $7, and currently I have $9 in my purse. I'm low on money this month, and I'm going to try to be as frugal as I can since I'm going to need money to fix my car, and spend on KI this week. Tommy's getting some new belts, his are busting so he's making a squealing sound and it's so annoying! Dude estimates it will be about $100. My parents said they'd pay half (thank God).

KI camping is this coming Friday! I'm excited. It's me, Katie, Ryan, Andrew, and Kelley. Andrew's coming on Saturday though since he has to work on Friday. I think we'll have fun. Katie's afraid that I'm going to leave her all alone, but I promise I won't. I feel bad that she feels neglected :( I thought I was getting better at the bff thing, but I guess I'm not. I'm just not good at managing my time fairly. We need to go food shopping and figure out how much everyone needs to pay me/for the trip. I think it will all work out grand :)

I went to see Toy Story 3 last night. I cried! It was so sad at the end, but it was such a good movie. I completely loved it. Toy Story rules!

So, before I said that Gordon was calling me more than last summer. Yeah, not so much anymore. Apparently the more he talks to me, the more he misses me. Well it just so happens that the less he talks to me, the more I miss him. Lose-lose situation. Not happy. There's like 63 days or something till we get to Woo. I'm just so excited about the house, and everything. When I get there, I'm just going to frolic around the quad because I love it so much.

My job at Victoria's Secret is going well. I hope I get more hours though. My last paycheck was $46 or something. Not good for living on, but it was just from training. I had about 5 and a half hours yesterday, so that's good. I only work Wednesday next week, but I'm also on call. Hopefully I'll get called in. I applied at the Tradesman Tavern on State Rd. for a serving position. I figure if I get hired, two jobs won't be so bad.

Not much else to say. I'm going to try to get some summer ambitions accomplished. Maybe pick up the guitar, be able to touch my toes, and do more athletic things. Yeah, let's do that. Also, lots of reading to do. I have some fiction, and then I'm going to try to figure out my JR IS topic.

Here's a picture from the Wooster Swing Ball. I loved that dance so much. I'm so proud of it.

It's not a jawbreaker.

I need to get over myself. I feel like a mother who can't let her child go away to college. Ryan is my child and new girls equal college. He tells me about new girls he's thinking of dating or whatever, but I just don't feel like they are good enough for him. I don't know why. Yeah, he's my ex, but he's also one of my best friends, and like a brother. I want to be happy for him, but I think there's something missing or unsaid that needs to be talked about first. I think I'm being selfish. I want to be happy for him, and I want to get over myself.

I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday. My left cheek is much more swollen than the right one, so I look a bit asymmetrical. I wasn't feeling the best yesterday and ended up throwing up. I was not happy about that part, but otherwise, I got over it pretty well. Hopefully the swelling goes down by tomorrow since I might have to work.

Speaking of work, I fainted on my last day of training. We're not sure why, so I had some blood drawn yesterday before I got my teeth out, so we'll find out tomorrow or Friday I guess. I'm on call tomorrow, I hope I work. I hope to pick up more hours!! I'm so jealous of Katie, she's making so much money this summer!

I'm thinking of going to the student ID night at the Indian's Game this Friday. It would be fun, but it would probably be only me and Nick, unless Kelley and Carrie came. I'm just afraid Nick would be hitting on either of them the whole time. Lame.

Gordon has started swing lessons, which go till midnight my time, I think. I keep wanting to call him, but he's at lessons. It makes me miss him a lot.

I want to make an "I hate..." video. They seem funny, and there are a few things that I hate. Maybe I'll do that next week when my mom isn't home.

My summer is basically planned out. Hopefully I get all of the days off that I requested....eek!

Not Plan B, or Planned Parenthood

It's FINALLY June. May felt like forever!

I'm really missing Gordon today, but maybe that's because my hormones are a-ragin' because it's boat week. Ow, my ovaries hurt! He's working on all kinds of stuff this summer, stressful stuff, and I wish I could just spend a summer with him. I also really want to help him figure out his future. I'm not sure if he wants to or not. I straight out told him that he needs to since he has no idea what grad school he wants to go to. I'm worried about our relationship after this year, not just worried, curious. So I told him he needs to figure everything out, and he said he appreciated/needed the nudge. He's not very future oriented, or planning oriented, and I am. That's where we differ, but complement each other. I pretty much have my life figured out through grad school, and I want to share that plan with him, maybe include him in it. But it ultimately depends on his decisions since he's graduating first. I'm not going to hugely alter mine to meet his though.

Anywho, I got hired at Victoria's Secret! I had my first day of three of orientation (or onboarding), and I have my second one tomorrow. I get to learn how to fit a bra, and then I get a free one! I actually felt sexier just getting ready for work, it was weird.

My mom's cousin David died this week. He was 22, and apparently he had a drug overdose. He has had a hard life, and it was really sad to visit him since he looked, and was, so young. It's an eye opener to the things that drugs can do to you, and I hope all of his friends can learn from it. He will be missed. The good thing that came out of it is that he was able to donate his organs, saving other people's lives. This was very important to his mom and sister. It's hard seeing a young person die. It scares you, and it just hits you hard.

This week I'm babysitting for my mom's friend from work. I'm making just about enough money to pay off my car insurance. Ugh.

Katie and I are planning a Kelley's Island camping trip. I'm really excited. It's been three years since I've been there and I really just want to go with all of my friends and have a good time. So sad that Gordon can't be there :( I just have to take off of work that weekend. The only problem is that it coincides with the house/dog sitting week, oh well!

I bought a lottery ticket today. I hope I win. I kinda really wish I had money, but who doesn't. I'd still live a cheapish life.

I've finally started looking up topics for my JR IS. Hooray for public library databases! I also have four books to read this summer. Better get going!!

This summer I have been slacking with the working out. I think it's because I'm either really lazy, or I'm just more confident in my body. Either way, I FEEL lazy.

Planning is great. All I want to do is plan. Plan KI, plan the house, plan my future, plan Gordon's future (he's not too happy about that lol).

Katie and I went swing dancing for the first time this summer. It was fun, we were cute. I wish I had an actual good lindy dance. I miss Gordon's dancing :(

I told my Papa that I want he and Nana's wedding picture. I just realized how much I like it and that I want a copy of it. I hope he doesn't forget to give it to me, or that he didn't lose it.

I kind of want to hang out with my townie friend, Chris. He's really funny. I'd have to drive out to Woo though, but whats so bad about Woo?!

The countdown is at about 80 days! Hooray?

P.S. I've added links on the side of all of my blogs that will take you to my other blogs. A way of connecting them, I really needed it. I want the flow of my followers? Or something.